I did a set at the Comedy Connection on Thurs. I was doing great and the audience was liking it. Except for the ridiculously drunk lady who was shouting out incoherently all night long. I tried to just be louder and hopefully drown her out, but unfortunately that didn't work. I had to rely on plan B, which was telling her to "shut the f*** up". This was much more successful. The crowd was behind me, maybe a little too much. A small group tried to start a "get the f*** out" chant. I quickly stopped them. I felt bad, I didn't really want her to get kicked out of the place. I just wanted to tell my jokes without drunken interruption. Being the well behaving citizen that I am I could only imagine how embarrassing it must be to be kicked out of somewhere. Then it came back to me. I actually have been the one kicked out. I WAS KICKED OUT OF HAPPY WHEEL (that's right the happiest place on wheels).
I was probably about 12 or 13 and a very shy and quiet kid. The kind that bullies loved and I was bullied a lot. Heck, even my best friend Efram took a turn at punching me in the face for no reason. It just so happens that it was with Efram that I went to Happy Wheels with. Efram was a year older than me and wanted to go to skating to meet girls. At the time I didn't really have any interest in going to meet girls but Happy Wheels did have what I WAS interested in and that would be video games. So, I agreed to go. Efram was quite the ladies man(or boy as it would be) and had no trouble finding girls to skate with. I made a b-line to the Popeye machine. I was excited because this was the game that had been at my local convenience store and I couldn't wait to show off my prowess to the small crowd gathered around it. I didn't know any of the kids except for one who was an acquaintance from another school. I forget his name, but let's just call him "Dink". Dink was a lot larger than me and the others. As I approached he was finishing up his game. I put my quarter on the glass to secure my place as next. His score was around 700,000 when he lost his last man, which was pretty good, but I knew was no match for the million I could easily score. I got ready to start my game when Dink challenged me to a 2 player match. I gladly accepted. Dink played first and set the mark. "Beat that" he said. It was my turn and I was in the zone playing better than I have ever played (and that was a lot). I easily surpassed his score and that's when things went bad. Dink couldn't be shown up in front of his friends so he set out to distract me by waving his hands in front off the screen. I smacked his hands away and kept playing. But he wouldn't give up. He grabbed the joystick and starting hitting all the buttons. Sensing trouble the other kids scattered. It was just me and him. I struggled for control but "WeeWeeeWeWee" my man was dead. I knew I could have beaten the high score and that was my only quarter. I was pissed. I was never one to back down from a fight but usually that strategy only lead to a longer beating for me. I didn't care and my nerd rage was taking over. I reached my hands back like Ryu from Street Fighter collecting his energy ball and then "Shoryuken". I hit him with both hands full force right in the chest. Dink goes flying through the air and lands with a thud. I look at my hands. "Holy Shit" I think to myself. Then I remembered that he was on wheels. A six year old girl could have knocked him over. I get ready for the aftermath and out of nowhere Dink's eight year old cousin jumps on my back like a spider monkey and applies a rear naked choke on me. He was squeezing as hard as his little eight year old arms could but he wasn't really hurting me . It did slow me down enough to make me a punching bag for Dink. The fight didn't last long as the manager jumped in to break it up. "Who hit first?" he asked. Dink and lil' Dink point to me. Lying wasn't my style so I admitted that I had indeed hit him first. "Get out of here" the manager yells at me. Somehow it didn't matter that I was the one provoked and then double teamed. Humiliated I hung my head and slunked out of there. I got outside and realized that our ride wouldn't be there for an hour. During the hour wait I starting thinking "hey, I'm not a loser...I got kicked out..I'm a badass". Efram was a badass and I knew that he'd appreciate my new badassness and then tell all the other badasses about how badass I was. I'd have a reputation. Maybe I'd be asked to join a gang. It would all be worth it. Finally the hour was up and Efram comes out. I tell him how I was kicked out and all he says is "Dude, do you have a dollar. I want to go to the next session so I can get this girls number". So much for my badassery.
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