Portland's New Hockey Team

Sadly the Portland Pirates left town in 2016 leaving Portland without a professional hockey team and no way for us to celebrate our rich local pirate history. But the recent announcement that professional hockey is returning to Portland left many(mostly business owners) celebrating. Starting in the 2018 season a new ECHL team will be playing at The Cross Insurance Arena. In case you didn't know the ECHL stands for the East Coast Hockey League and is one step above the men's 40+ league that plays on the Deering Oaks pond. No word if the new team will keep the Pirates name. If not what will this new team be called? Here are my suggestions: 

THE PORTLAND TRASH BIRDS The one thing in Portland more ubiquitous than parking meters and overpriced hotels is seagulls. From the trash dumpsters of the Porthole to every MacDonald's parking lot in town you can watch these dirty birds eat garbage and french fries (Why do they love French Fries so much? The arena should definitely serve french fries). It's about time someone honored Portland's unofficial city bird. Added marketing bonus-the team could create a guerrilla style marketing campaign where they hire street urchins to plaster their dropping shaped logo stickers all over cars through out the Old Port.

 THE PORTLAND HIPSTERS It seems like one of the top 10 things that national magazines like to do is include Portland on their meaningless lists. Awhile back some magazine listed Portland, Maine as one of the Nation's top hipster towns. Which I personally think was a typo. I think they meant Portland, Oregon but just left it for irony sake. Whatever, we have a Trader Joe's and an Urban Outfitters so let's roll with it. Added marketing ploy anybody in the crowd with a beard drinking an Allagash could be the team mascot. And when anyone asks if they're the mascot they would deny it. 

THE PORTLAND FOODIES Portland has often been said to have the most restaurants per capita in the country, even though that claims seems to be highly disputed. But in post Trump America facts don't matter. But we do definitely have a ton of restaurants. Otherwise we wouldn't have musicians or artists. Added marketing ploy- Chicago fans through an octopus on the ice for every goal during playoff games. For the Foodies fans would throw market priced charcuterie boards on the ice for every goal.

THE PORTLAND DOGMEN Since the new team would be affiliated with the Philadelphia Flyers it would be fitting to poke fun of former Philadelphia detective and Portland police chief Michael Chitwood and celebrate Portland's infamous Dave "The Dogman" Koplow. Of course to anyone born before 1988 the reference would be lost, but lets face it. No one over 40 buys tickets to hockey games. Potential down fall- The team would only be allowed to legally operate for 10 years and then would be run out of town by city officials and forced to relocate to Massachusetts.

Get out of here...

I did a set at the Comedy Connection on Thurs.  I was doing great and the audience was liking it.  Except for the ridiculously drunk lady who was shouting out incoherently all night long.  I tried to just be louder and hopefully drown her out, but unfortunately that didn't work.  I had to rely on plan B, which was telling her to "shut the f*** up".  This was much more successful.  The crowd was behind me, maybe a little too much.  A small group tried to start a "get the f*** out" chant.  I quickly stopped them.  I felt bad, I didn't really want her to get kicked out of the place.  I just wanted to tell my jokes without drunken interruption.  Being the well behaving citizen that I am I could only imagine how embarrassing it must be to be kicked out of somewhere.  Then it came back to me.  I actually have been the one kicked out.  I WAS KICKED OUT OF HAPPY WHEEL (that's right the happiest place on wheels).

 I was probably about 12 or 13 and a very shy and quiet kid.  The kind that bullies loved and I was bullied a lot.  Heck, even my best friend Efram took a turn at punching me in the face for no reason.  It just so happens that it was with Efram that I went to Happy Wheels with.  Efram was a year older than me and wanted to go to skating to meet girls.  At the time I didn't really have any interest in going to meet girls but Happy Wheels did have what I WAS interested in and that would be video games.  So, I agreed to go.   Efram was quite the ladies man(or boy as it would be) and had no trouble finding girls to skate with.  I made a b-line to the Popeye machine.  I was excited because this was the game that had been at my local convenience store and I couldn't wait to show off my prowess to the small crowd gathered around it.  I didn't know any of the kids except for one who was an acquaintance from another school.  I forget his name, but let's just call him "Dink".  Dink was a lot larger than me and the others. As I approached he was finishing up his game. I put my quarter on the glass to secure my place as next.  His score was around 700,000 when he lost his last man, which was pretty good, but I knew was no match for the million I could easily score.  I got ready to start my game when Dink challenged me to a 2 player match.  I gladly accepted.  Dink played first and set the mark. "Beat that" he said.  It was my turn and I was in the zone playing better than I have ever played (and that was a lot).  I easily surpassed his score and that's when things went bad.  Dink couldn't be shown up in front of his friends so he set out to distract me by waving his hands in front off the screen.  I smacked his hands away and kept playing.  But he wouldn't give up.  He  grabbed the joystick and starting hitting all the buttons.  Sensing trouble the other kids scattered.  It was just me and him.  I struggled for control but "WeeWeeeWeWee" my man was dead.   I knew I could have beaten the high score and that was my only quarter.  I was pissed.  I was never one to back down from a fight but usually that strategy only lead to a longer beating for me.  I didn't care  and my nerd rage was taking over.  I reached my hands back like Ryu from Street Fighter collecting his energy ball and then "Shoryuken".  I hit him with both hands full force right in the chest.  Dink goes flying through the air and lands with a thud.  I look at my hands.  "Holy Shit" I think to myself.  Then I remembered that he was on wheels.  A six year old girl could have knocked him over.  I get ready for the aftermath and out of nowhere Dink's eight year old cousin jumps on my back like a spider monkey and applies a rear naked choke on me.  He was squeezing as hard as his little eight year old arms could but he wasn't really hurting me .  It did slow me down enough to make me a punching bag for Dink.   The fight didn't  last long as the manager jumped in to break it up.  "Who hit first?" he asked. Dink and lil' Dink point to me.  Lying wasn't my style so I admitted that I had indeed hit him first.  "Get out of here"  the manager yells at me.  Somehow it didn't matter that I was the one provoked and then double teamed.  Humiliated I hung my head and slunked out of there.  I got outside and realized that our ride wouldn't be there for an hour.  During the hour wait I starting thinking "hey, I'm not a loser...I got kicked out..I'm a badass".  Efram was a badass and I knew that he'd appreciate my new badassness and then tell all the other badasses about how badass I was.  I'd have a reputation.  Maybe I'd be asked to join a gang.  It would all be worth it.   Finally the hour was up and Efram comes out.  I tell him how I was kicked out and all he says is "Dude, do you have a dollar.  I want to go to the next session so I can get this girls number".  So much for my badassery.