Top 10 Concerts - Ozzy Osbourne/Motley Crue Jan 10, 1984

When I woke up on the morning of Jan 10th 1984 I was excited. Not because I knew that I would be attending my first ever concert (and one of the most imfamous tours of all time) that night, but because there was a blizzard and I had a snow day. Like any other snow day I was called upon to shovel the driveway of my father's boss. It was a large driveway and I needed help. I called my friend Efram. He was glad to help. Hoping that we could earn enough money to go to the Ozzy Osbourne concert that night. I didn't share his enthusiasm. I mean I was familiar with some of his music especially his work with Black Sabbath. Honestly I was more intrigued by the opening act, Motley Crue. I hadn't heard their music but I'd seen the posters for their new ablum "Shout at the Devil" plastered on the windows of Recordland. Still, I had other things I'd rather spend my money on. We finished the shovelling and now came time to negotiate our fee. I was a terrible negotiator and asked for less than we needed. It may have partially on purpose so that Efram wouldn't try to talk me into going if we did get engough for tickets. We left with a little cash in our pockets. Efram was probably pissed at me for foiling his plans.

Later that day I went out to the corner store for a snack. I saw Efram charging wildly towards me. "Ozzy's coming, Ozzy's coming" he yells at me as he approaches. I was a bit confused. He explained that he heard that Ozzy was coming to our neighborhood community center to have a meet and greet. Be there at 6 he says. I thought that he was full of shit, but the community center was directly across with street from my house, so the amount of effort to find out was minimal. I showed up at 6 and saw Efram and a crowd of other kids there. I asked one of the counselors if Ozzy was going to be there. He was acting weird and couldn't say and that he had no idea what was going on. We hang around another 10 or 15 minutes then the councelor comes out to make and announcement "Ozzy was going to come for a meet and greet, but because of the blizzard he didn't want to leave the venue. So, instead his manager has invited everyone who showed up to go to the concert for free and meet him there". He took all of our names down and told us to be at the Civic Center by 7 and Ozzy's mananger would meet us at the back loading dock entrance. We were stoked! I may have been reluctant to pay for the concert, but free tickets I was all in.

The Blizzard was still raging and the streets had barely been plowed. With my rubber boots on and a running start I slid nearly all the way down Munjoy Hill (If you're not familiar with the "hill" that's a pretty impressive feat). We made it to the back entrance and were greeted there by a frumpy looking british women. She's super pleasant and checks our names on the list. She thanks us for coming. I later realise that woman was Sharon Osbourne, Ozzy's wife!! We make our way to get in line outside of Ozzy's dressing room. My long hair is soaked from the snow and my glasses continue to fog up. Our time had come and we were ushered into the room. With my foggy glasses I can bearly see. Ozzy signed a tour pass and tried to hand it to me. I tried to shake his hand. I then tried to grab the pass, but he pulled it away and tried to shake my hand. We awkwardly go back and forth several times. Then Ozzy starts laughing manically. I saw Jake E. Lee sitting next to Ozzy and he was laughing hysterically. I quickly grabbed the pass and ran out. I left embarrassed but had my prize!

Then it was time for the show. We settled in for some good seats just left of the stage. "Shout at the Devil" era Motley Crue was the first band that I ever saw in concert. (Actually, the opener was Waysted. They were lead by former UFO bassist Pete Way. But since that's the only thing that I remember them let's just forget that. It makes for a better story anyway). Vince Neil was lean and mean and shrieking up a storm. The band was at the peak of their powers. I was blown away. They played "Shout at the Devil", "Looks that Kill", "Too Young to Fall in Love", all songs that would become huge hits and be played on my boombox many, many times.

At the time the Crue were a tough act to follow, but Ozzy and his band were up to the task. Starting off with "I Don't Know" (I looked it up. My memory is not that good) Ozzy had the crowd captivated. He's the true showman of rock and roll. By the time they played "Bark at the Moon" I had been won over and have been a fan ever since. The show closed out with a couole of Black Sabbath tunes, "Paranoid" and "Iron Man". We left happy and ventured back into the blizzard. Ha!!! The Blizzard of Oz!!! Get it!!

Portland's New Hockey Team

Sadly the Portland Pirates left town in 2016 leaving Portland without a professional hockey team and no way for us to celebrate our rich local pirate history. But the recent announcement that professional hockey is returning to Portland left many(mostly business owners) celebrating. Starting in the 2018 season a new ECHL team will be playing at The Cross Insurance Arena. In case you didn't know the ECHL stands for the East Coast Hockey League and is one step above the men's 40+ league that plays on the Deering Oaks pond. No word if the new team will keep the Pirates name. If not what will this new team be called? Here are my suggestions: 

THE PORTLAND TRASH BIRDS The one thing in Portland more ubiquitous than parking meters and overpriced hotels is seagulls. From the trash dumpsters of the Porthole to every MacDonald's parking lot in town you can watch these dirty birds eat garbage and french fries (Why do they love French Fries so much? The arena should definitely serve french fries). It's about time someone honored Portland's unofficial city bird. Added marketing bonus-the team could create a guerrilla style marketing campaign where they hire street urchins to plaster their dropping shaped logo stickers all over cars through out the Old Port.

 THE PORTLAND HIPSTERS It seems like one of the top 10 things that national magazines like to do is include Portland on their meaningless lists. Awhile back some magazine listed Portland, Maine as one of the Nation's top hipster towns. Which I personally think was a typo. I think they meant Portland, Oregon but just left it for irony sake. Whatever, we have a Trader Joe's and an Urban Outfitters so let's roll with it. Added marketing ploy anybody in the crowd with a beard drinking an Allagash could be the team mascot. And when anyone asks if they're the mascot they would deny it. 

THE PORTLAND FOODIES Portland has often been said to have the most restaurants per capita in the country, even though that claims seems to be highly disputed. But in post Trump America facts don't matter. But we do definitely have a ton of restaurants. Otherwise we wouldn't have musicians or artists. Added marketing ploy- Chicago fans through an octopus on the ice for every goal during playoff games. For the Foodies fans would throw market priced charcuterie boards on the ice for every goal.

THE PORTLAND DOGMEN Since the new team would be affiliated with the Philadelphia Flyers it would be fitting to poke fun of former Philadelphia detective and Portland police chief Michael Chitwood and celebrate Portland's infamous Dave "The Dogman" Koplow. Of course to anyone born before 1988 the reference would be lost, but lets face it. No one over 40 buys tickets to hockey games. Potential down fall- The team would only be allowed to legally operate for 10 years and then would be run out of town by city officials and forced to relocate to Massachusetts.

Worst Fighter Nicknames

I like to watch boxing and MMA from time to time. There's nothing like a good nickname to make yourself stand out and show what a badass you are. Thomas "The Hitman" Hearns, Quinton "Rampage" Jackson these are men that just by name alone I would not want to mess with. However there are many fighters who are a lot less creative. Here are some of my favorite bad nicknames.

10. Dustin "Diamond" Poirier (MMA) - Ok. Diamonds are hard, but no one fears "Screech".

9. Pablo "The Scarecrow" Garza(MMA) - Very intimadating nickname. That is if you're fighting a crow.

8.Micheal "Second to" Nunn (Boxing) - Using a pun in your nickname is a bad habit many fighers have.

7. James "Keep 'em Sleeping" Stevenson (Boxing) - Don't expect any exciting fights from him.

6. Steven "3D" Graham (MMA) - Ummm. Isn't everybody 3D?

5. Royce "The Farmer" Alger (MMA) - Bad fighters are often referred to as turnips and tomatos. Maybe a farming reference isn't a good idea.

4. Owen "What the Heck" Beck (Boxing) - I'll carry around a stupid nickname, what the heck.

3. Steve "Red Nose" Berger (MMA) - If Santa ever needs a bodyguard this is his guy.

2. Alexandre "Cafe" Dantas (MMA) - He won't knock you out, but he will take you out for a latte.

1. Vladimir "The Janitor" Matyushenko (MMA) - Watch out. He'll mop the floor with you.

Four Eyes Comedy Tour

Well, it's not exactly a tour(not yet) but Four Eyes Comedy will make it's debut on Nov. 20th at Lucid Stage in Portland, Me. The show features four comics with different styles but equally poor vision. The line-up is Kevin Neales(Maine Comedy Festival, Hampden Beach Comedy Festival), Troy Pennell (Winner of Portland's Funniest Professional, Opener for Bob Marley), Bryce Hanson (Performs around New England), and Matt D.(Winner 2011 Portland Funniest Professional, Finalist Boston Comedy Festival). This promises to be an amazingly nerdy night of comedy. Get your advanced tix here

Combined TV Shows

My 3 Sons of Anarachy

2 1/2 Mad Men

ER Dr. Who

Modern Family Ties

True Blood Brothers

West Wings

Access Hollywood Squares

Extreme Makeover: Roseanne Edition

How I Met Your Mother at an Intervention

The Anti-Kid Revolution has begun...

Get out of here...

I did a set at the Comedy Connection on Thurs.  I was doing great and the audience was liking it.  Except for the ridiculously drunk lady who was shouting out incoherently all night long.  I tried to just be louder and hopefully drown her out, but unfortunately that didn't work.  I had to rely on plan B, which was telling her to "shut the f*** up".  This was much more successful.  The crowd was behind me, maybe a little too much.  A small group tried to start a "get the f*** out" chant.  I quickly stopped them.  I felt bad, I didn't really want her to get kicked out of the place.  I just wanted to tell my jokes without drunken interruption.  Being the well behaving citizen that I am I could only imagine how embarrassing it must be to be kicked out of somewhere.  Then it came back to me.  I actually have been the one kicked out.  I WAS KICKED OUT OF HAPPY WHEEL (that's right the happiest place on wheels).

 I was probably about 12 or 13 and a very shy and quiet kid.  The kind that bullies loved and I was bullied a lot.  Heck, even my best friend Efram took a turn at punching me in the face for no reason.  It just so happens that it was with Efram that I went to Happy Wheels with.  Efram was a year older than me and wanted to go to skating to meet girls.  At the time I didn't really have any interest in going to meet girls but Happy Wheels did have what I WAS interested in and that would be video games.  So, I agreed to go.   Efram was quite the ladies man(or boy as it would be) and had no trouble finding girls to skate with.  I made a b-line to the Popeye machine.  I was excited because this was the game that had been at my local convenience store and I couldn't wait to show off my prowess to the small crowd gathered around it.  I didn't know any of the kids except for one who was an acquaintance from another school.  I forget his name, but let's just call him "Dink".  Dink was a lot larger than me and the others. As I approached he was finishing up his game. I put my quarter on the glass to secure my place as next.  His score was around 700,000 when he lost his last man, which was pretty good, but I knew was no match for the million I could easily score.  I got ready to start my game when Dink challenged me to a 2 player match.  I gladly accepted.  Dink played first and set the mark. "Beat that" he said.  It was my turn and I was in the zone playing better than I have ever played (and that was a lot).  I easily surpassed his score and that's when things went bad.  Dink couldn't be shown up in front of his friends so he set out to distract me by waving his hands in front off the screen.  I smacked his hands away and kept playing.  But he wouldn't give up.  He  grabbed the joystick and starting hitting all the buttons.  Sensing trouble the other kids scattered.  It was just me and him.  I struggled for control but "WeeWeeeWeWee" my man was dead.   I knew I could have beaten the high score and that was my only quarter.  I was pissed.  I was never one to back down from a fight but usually that strategy only lead to a longer beating for me.  I didn't care  and my nerd rage was taking over.  I reached my hands back like Ryu from Street Fighter collecting his energy ball and then "Shoryuken".  I hit him with both hands full force right in the chest.  Dink goes flying through the air and lands with a thud.  I look at my hands.  "Holy Shit" I think to myself.  Then I remembered that he was on wheels.  A six year old girl could have knocked him over.  I get ready for the aftermath and out of nowhere Dink's eight year old cousin jumps on my back like a spider monkey and applies a rear naked choke on me.  He was squeezing as hard as his little eight year old arms could but he wasn't really hurting me .  It did slow me down enough to make me a punching bag for Dink.   The fight didn't  last long as the manager jumped in to break it up.  "Who hit first?" he asked. Dink and lil' Dink point to me.  Lying wasn't my style so I admitted that I had indeed hit him first.  "Get out of here"  the manager yells at me.  Somehow it didn't matter that I was the one provoked and then double teamed.  Humiliated I hung my head and slunked out of there.  I got outside and realized that our ride wouldn't be there for an hour.  During the hour wait I starting thinking "hey, I'm not a loser...I got kicked out..I'm a badass".  Efram was a badass and I knew that he'd appreciate my new badassness and then tell all the other badasses about how badass I was.  I'd have a reputation.  Maybe I'd be asked to join a gang.  It would all be worth it.   Finally the hour was up and Efram comes out.  I tell him how I was kicked out and all he says is "Dude, do you have a dollar.  I want to go to the next session so I can get this girls number".  So much for my badassery.